Someday I will be published on McSweeney’s.

Until that day comes, I like to rotate failed submissions in and out of here. One at a time.

The iPhone 15's Features Will Blow. You. Away.

by Peyton Hopkins 


All-new charger 
Which now delivers more charge than we’ve ever charged before. No. For real. We are charging a lot more for this than before. It is also compatible with no other phone. 

Loooooooooonger battery life
Haha we are still saying that. 

Innovative Illuma-Lite™ 
We forewent adding a 5th camera (we really, really thought about it) in favor of a teeny little ring light. Talk about a glow up. 

A 5th camera
Sike! Obviously the addition of this feature was inevitable.

Lick to Unlock®
This is a fun little feature the Jobster always wanted but he could never find a way to get it legally approved. Thankfully you guys signed off on it in your last Terms & Agreements. 

Talk-To-Bark 
Woof, woof, woofy-woof-woof. That’s dog for “now we can finally talk to dogs”. Just ask Siri and she will do a couple barks at your little buddy.
*(This feature is subscription-based and plans start at $49.99/month.)

A bunch of new colors
Introducing: pink, green, blue, yellow, and black. They are much newer than iPhone 14’s colors, which were pink, green, blue, yellow, and black. 

A free year of MLS streaming
Is this anything? 

A secret button
What about this? Does this intrigue you? 

A screen inside a screen
Haha thought so. 

The headphone jack returns
Not really lol. See you on Sept 22.